Rules of Canasta Club
by Emily Menez
1. You must talk about Canasta Club.
2. YOU MUST TALK ABOUT CANASTA CLUB WITH EVERYONE YOU MEET.
3. The goal is to assemble seven cards of the same rank (a “meld”) and play all the cards in your hand. The other, more important, goal is to catch up on juicy HOA gossip for our community of 55+ people (this age range shall be referred to as “not old”).
4. We meet every Wednesday at noon in the clubhouse and play for nine hours straight. If you go home early to take a nap, we will mock you relentlessly. Your new nickname will be “Leaves Early Mary.” You will never live this down.
5. You may discard any card in your hand, but must also disclose gossip of a certain caliber. For instance, it is not merely enough to know Ron is selling his house. It is notable that he posted a photo of his house with a side entrance. Who the hell is entering through this secret door? This warrants a two-hour discussion.
6. The phrase “CANASTA” must be shouted when appropriate. Also, everything must be shouted at Rose since her hearing went. YES, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU, ROSE. NO, IT’S NOT YOUR TURN.
7. The only reason a man should be in attendance is to open a jar of pickles.
8. Jokers cannot be discarded and may not be used to block the discard pile. Also, if we see a joker outside, like Ron’s son, we block our view of him by moving a shrub in front of the window. Why is Ron’s son at the pool? It’s noon on a Wednesday, doesn’t he have a job? This warrants a four-hour discussion.
9. Lower numbers are worth fewer points, and thus often get discarded. Also, if the HOA attempts to redecorate our clubhouse with their worthless taste, we will discard one object at a time in a reverse Ocean's 11*-style heist until the clubhouse meets our standards.
*That reference was to the 1960’s Ocean’s 11, not the recent George Clooney remake.
10. If two players realize their adult children might know each other, they must immediately voice-to-text their respective children and find out when they met and the details of their friendship. Did they know their moms are friends from Canasta Club? And that we meet every Wednesday at noon in the clubhouse?
11. Remember: Canasta = love. Love your girlfriends. Love yourself. NOTHING, ROSE. WE’RE RECITING THE MANIFESTO. IT’S STILL NOT YOUR TURN.
Emily Menez has written for The New Yorker, the Los Angeles Times, CBS, Funny or Die, and McSweeney’s, amongst others. She’s an editor at Slackjaw, a Medium publication with 149k+ followers that runs daily humor pieces from veteran and up-and-coming writers. She created, produces, and hosts the NYC comedy show “Slackjaw: LIVE,” which brings together writers for nights of readings and themed discussions. Her Instagram handle is @theemilymenez, which is audacious because there are other Emily Menezes out there.